My Journey to 402 Part 1 – The Emotional Part

So….in my last meet, I did something I thought was not ever a possibility in my life. I pulled a 402 pound deadlift! I still don’t know how I did it, but I definitely know how I got there! In this post I will cover the emotional journey, and in a second post I will cover the technical journey. I have been through a lot in my life, and somehow, with how low things had brought me, I managed to use that negative energy to make something positive. I have gone back and forth about whether I should write this as I am trying to heal, and have been fearful, and this makes me remember everything. It sat as a draft in my blog for a very long time and had been edited many times. I am ready to post it. The reason I am writing about this is because I have joined many support groups, and I realize my situation is too common in this world. If I can help even one person avoid going through what I went through, then it is worth it. I believe in transparency and giving people something they can relate to. I may look strong on the outside, but I was very weak on the inside, until now. This post is helping me heal, helping me change, and helping me grow. This is a little bit of a long story so get comfortable and grab some tissue because I cried writing this, you may too.

I have written about other women’s stories on how they came to be the gym beasts that they are, so here is my story. All of this started many many years ago when I was about 18 years old. I met who I thought was the person I was meant to be with, and at the tender age I was, I believed my goal in life was to find a good man and give my all to that person, so I did. I got married at 19 and dedicated my life to that person. The start was rough as his parents disowned him for a year for our decision. But, I graciously ignored that huge red flag, and we continued our college journey. I helped pay for his schooling as he was left without his parents financial support, and we plugged on. Less than a year into it, things were already getting tough. We fought all the time, and all I could do was stick it out because…well, marriage is hard, right? At least that is what I was told. I had to stick it out.  But all that time there was just something missing. I finally know what it was, but just couldn’t put my finger on it at the time. I wasn’t seeing in my marriage what I had seen in my grandparent’s marriage…..they cherished each other. SO many long term marriages have this thing where they adore each other. You see it in their eyes, you see it in their actions with each other. And more importantly, they respect each other. I was always made to feel like he was better than me, he had zero respect for me.

10 years in we decided to have kids, and I was positive that my dream of becoming a mother would make the man I married see me differently, how could you not cherish, respect and adore the mother of your children? SO I gave up my blossoming career as a medical research scientist and went into the baby making business. I was pregnant or nursing a baby for 8 years straight. I was sure my dream of becoming a mother would get this man to cherish me….but after 1 child, 2 children, 3 children, 4 children…..nothing. It just got worse. I loved being a mother, but was resenting being a wife.  I was left dealing with late night feedings alone. I was left dealing with devastating back injuries…alone. I was left dealing with my genetic condition taking hold and tearing me apart….alone. After all, he had to work, so he needed his sleep….so I was told. So alone, raising 4 little babies, I plugged on. I plugged on, feeding them every 2 hours through the night, dealing with all their medical issues that surfaced from Ehlers Danlos, sleeping with my hand on my daughter’s racing heart…..alone. I lugged car seats to the car with a back injury that left me nearly unable to walk to get the other kids to school…alone. I spent hundreds of hours trying to solve my kids devastating medical mysteries…alone.  I hid my pain, misery and frustration and became PTO president, got very involved with my kids school, even tried to become religious.  I tried to be the best wife I could be…but I did it alone. All this time I was absolutely losing myself, and I was being put dead last in my marriage, last behind the kids (understandable), but also last behind his entire family and other acquaintances. I was not more important than any other person in his life. I was only there to keep him from being alone as he grew old….yes he told me that.

In addition to his mother causing major problems in our marriage by constantly berating me, from him there was emotional abuse, financial abuse and unfortunately sexual abuse. I was there for his use, and my feelings really didn’t matter. I had no access to any of the finances or any bank accounts or cards, many times I didn’t even have a way to put gas in my car to take the kids to school. I was told where I could and couldn’t go and who I could and couldn’t spend time with. I had to obtain permission for everything I did, and he had to approve every purchase, and even had to approve how much I cut off my hair. I did get a $20/week “allowance” in case I needed coffee or personal female items or gas (which was about enough gas for a few days in the vehicle I was driving)….more 10 year olds get a bigger allowance than that. I was to do what he wanted, when he wanted it whether I wanted to or not.  I couldn’t sleep without non consensual sexual actions nightly, even during my severe back injuries, when I was in severe pain, so I slept with one eye open and became very sleep deprived. I slept so on guard that I felt like a prisoner, and it was making me physically ill. And no matter how much I asked for this to stop, it continued….and continued. One of the last straws in my downhill spiral was conceiving my last child without my consent, and while I was unconscious. I was not supposed to have any more children. I won’t go into details, but I remember waking up and locking myself in the bathroom and crying because I knew what had happened to my body.  I wouldn’t change having my last son for the world, he was worth the suffering I went through, he and all of my other children are absolutely amazing, but it devastated my already failing body and caused my most severe back injury, which left me in a back brace for 8 months. My marriage was one of lust, and never love. He took what was a strong, independent woman and somehow broke her….and I let him. I failed myself by giving up who I was and letting this man take total control of me. Did I do it because of love? I really don’t know. Remember, manipulation takes time, it doesn’t happen overnight. It was a very slow process, and before I knew it I was trapped in a bad situation.

I got to a very low place. I really thought the world would be better off without me in it. I was unhappy in my marriage, the sexual abuse was becoming too much to bear,  and as Ehlers Danlos, back injuries and the results of 4 pregnancies took hold, I was in constant pain. I could not seek any help with counseling or police because my husband had a very high security clearance. He threatened me that if I called police, or even got counseling, an investigation could be triggered and he could lose his clearance and his job, and we would lose everything. So I suffered in silence. I actually put a plan together to take my life. But…thank goodness I did not have the courage to follow through. And one reason for that was because of the man I am with now. He was the only person on the planet who picked up on something being wrong. After all I hid things really well, I really did not want people to know how miserable my married life was, I didn’t want people to pity me, or feel sorry for me, I wanted them to think my life was great! This man sat down with me at coffee and let me talk. I had no one to talk to, and he sat there, with kind, sincere eyes, and he let me spill my emotion, he let me cry, he guided me through self discovery. And he did this almost daily for about a year. He was so worried about my kids, and them being left without a mother, that he stepped in to help me find my way.

This kind man, who I had had casual discussions with for many many years previously, also tried to help my marriage, he tried to talk with my husband and get us though so our family could be saved. But my husband didn’t want to change, he wanted me to be convinced that he was right in his actions, and that I should just accept that and be the servant woman he wanted. I should be there to greet him after work, with a clean house, clean kids, dressed in something for his pleasure. I was realizing he was a narcissist, and I really wish I had picked up on that waaaaaay sooner, but it explained everything! I only knew what I knew, and I really had no previous experience with a narcissist.

My husband to this day has never admitted to being wrong. Even the littlest things he does wrong he will not accept…..and I mean the littlest things. He always puts the blame on someone else, me, the kids, the dog, a stranger…whoever. I have just had to learn to not let those actions make me angry, as that gives him all my power. He also blamed me for my depression. He said it was my fault he didn’t know I was depressed because I didn’t tell him…..you know, because depressed people shout it from the roof tops, right?

During this time of trying to save my marriage, and save myself, I started lifting weights. Of course it helped my hip and back pain a ton, and all my other pain started to decrease, so I started doing it more. All my husband could say was “so when does this weightlifting end”. Even with him seeing the improvements in my pain, he did not want me in the gym, possibly wearing revealing workout clothes, getting stronger and more defined…..he wanted to keep me down, and wanted to keep me isolated and for himself. SO I put my foot down and did more lifting. I entered my first powerlifting meet, and I made the decision to better myself, regardless of my husband. Sure, he pretended to be supportive of the meets at first, at least in front of other people, but still kept asking, along with his mother, when I was going to give up the lifting and get back to being the servant wife and mother…..even though I was and always have been the best mother and wife I think a person could be!

All this time, the man who sat down with me at coffee, the man who I had actually had many conversations with at coffee since I was pregnant with my last two children, the man who stepped in to save my life, and tried to save my marriage, the man who I never in a million years though I would ever be involved with….he captured my heart, as a wonderful friend. I made the decision to separate from my husband for my own safety and my own sanity and eventually and unexpectedly I followed my heart to the man who helped me find myself. He became my best friend, and there was just something there in the way he made me feel. I felt comfortable and at ease with him. I felt like I could be myself, without criticism or judgement and without being berated. I had never felt that way with anyone. He calmed the storm that was in my heart. I had this amazing person sitting right there in front of me, why was I struggling to save a marriage that was a failure from the start? My marriage was never going to be happy…for either of us.

Leaving a 30 year marriage is not easy, especially when you have been a stay at home mom for most of it. I gave up so much to be the best mom and wife I could be. I plugged away during this rough transition, and I took out all my pain and all my frustrations in the gym. I cried in the gym, I laughed in the gym, I found myself….in the gym. I did it all with my natural ability and body. See, I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Steroids would be devastating on my already defective connective tissue. We can’t even do pain steroid injections because they will cause our tendons and ligaments to shred. So I am so thankful to be part of a drug free lifting organization called NASA that supports those of us who desire to only compete with drug free lifters like ourselves. They have been like family, and they have been a huge part of the equation that led to my emotional recovery. I am so grateful for all the people I have met in that organization.

So, as I publish this, I will have finally submitted my divorce papers. I gave my husband many years to try to fix some severe financial problems he got us into, which were shocking to find out about, and to find a way to buy my part of the house we built so he could keep it, but I can wait no longer. It has been devastating to find out during the divorce discovery process how much financial trouble he had gotten us into.  Tax forms that I had signed were not filed so I was left owing money for income tax on income I did not earn, or was even allowed to use. I know he wants to keep the house, and I can’t even be in the house without a flood of emotions, so I have waited as to not have a judge force sale of it so he could buy it from me. I waited to file the divorce as not to devastate him financially, but there has been no forward progress in financial solutions in the many years we have been separated, and instead he led us to being scammed by a company that he claimed was supposed to help. Even though he tore me apart emotionally, mentally and financially somehow I still have empathy. But now, I am done and am needing to move on. We have been separated for years, and I want my life to just move forward. In return for my kindness of giving him the time he needed to proceed with an amicable divorce, there are now many lies, trying to get out of obligations, and he is again trying to destroy me and take everything from me. There is now lots of wasted money, lots of lost money from fraud, and savings I had spent years putting away to do something special for the kids are now being used needlessly for legal fees. I feel it gives him a sense of control. But I am a stronger woman now, and I will fight with every drop of blood, sweat, tears and money that I have left for my children and for what is right. My kids mean the world to me and I will spend every last penny to my name to fight for what is right for them. And I now have a support system of amazing people!

I have trained so hard, I have kept my focus through all of this to make myself the person I really want to be. I was torn down so much the last 30 years that I have a hard time seeing the good side of me, but pulling the 402 pound deadlift has been a huge step in my self-confidence. The lifting is helping me love myself again.  Among drug free lifters in my age group, I am number one in the world for push/pull. I am still having a hard time believing that someone like me, who was in such a low place, could actually achieve that! And my kids are motivated to be healthy and work out because of me, and I absolutely love that.

Me and my kids are happier with all of the changes. They love the structure and order that they get to experience when they are with us. They are learning so much. It all gives them a sense of calmness from the chaos they have been thrown into. I still battle my demons from a marriage that nearly broke me. And I still battle the physical pain of 4 pregnancies with Ehlers Danlos syndrome. This is not what I thought would happen in my life. I thought I would be happily married forever, growing kids into adults, traveling the world with my family, with a man who thought I was the most important person in the world, and who cherished and adored me. I though my husband would be the light of my life. I gave my absolute all to him trying to have that marriage, and I gave 110% of the love I had to give. But that marriage was never going to be that. He took everything from me, took my self worth, took my self confidence, took my career, and nearly took my desire to live. With all that, I do hope that he can find someone that triggers him to adore her, and cherish her. I hope he actually finds someone he can truly love, and not just have desire and lust for. For her sake, I hope he learns how to love. I hope he doesn’t destroy another woman for the sake of his fear of growing old alone. I hope he can let go of the insecurities that hold him back, and I hope he can love her without the help of alcohol. I truly believe everyone deserves true love, even him.

I have found my soul mate. He adores me and the way he cherishes me is scary. And he respects me, something I definitely am not used to. I do have a hard time accepting his love all the time because I feel I am not worthy; I have been made to feel so unworthy for so long, how on earth could someone love me that much.  It just seems too good to be true. And sometimes my brain is looking for things to be wrong, because how can it be this great? How can I want to spend every minute of every day with this person? No matter what I seem to be going through, he is there for me, and he truly puts me first. He is also there for my kids through the good and the bad. He is the one who also trains me, and pushed me through all of my lifting road blocks, made me train on days that I was so hurt, sad and frustrated that I was in tears, and together we got to 402. I could not have done it without him. I have since pulled 405 several times in the gym and am moving forward with my training.  In my next post I will talk about the technical details of how I trained for that lift, but the emotional side of things is important as well. Women who become beasts in the gym usually have a story….so I wanted to share mine. To all the women out there, we need to stay strong, and we need to not put all our value into people who mistreat us! My situation is more common than I realized. Find the super woman inside you, we all have one!