Unburdened by what has been

Unburdened by what has been….this is not my phrase, I take no ownership for it. If you are paying attention at all, you would know who spoke this word salad phrase. When I first heard it, I was very confused, but I will admit I can’t get it out of my head now. So, I decided to do a post using this phrase to describe changes that have occurred in my life, all kinds of changes. You will see the past as What has been. You will see what my life looks like now as Now unburdened. I’m guessing some of you may be able to relate. Boy, if I ever want to be a politician, all my dirty laundry will already be right here on my website. Guess it’ll make it easy for the other side. It gets a little personal, so if you embarrass easily, stop reading now.  Sorry for any typos, I’m multi-tasking. Let go!

What has been…….I was a medical researcher, and ended up working on some studies for Pfizer. I did not care at all for what I was doing when my research went from doing good, life saving studies to feeding the pharmaceutical beast. That side of science is not so honest. I will not go into details, but it was an eye opener for me.

Now unburdened…….I retired from the science business long ago to save my morals and became a stay at home mom. It was hard, but was a huge benefit for my kids. Now that they are older,  I focus on doing my art as a business, and I enjoy meeting and talking to the many, many people I meet at art shows. And I get to express my emotion through my creativity.

What has been…….I was in a marriage where if my husband said he had a business trip coming up, I was relieved! I would have some time to breath, and to sleep without nightly non-consensual sexual activity being forced on me. I slept with one eye open, and a king size bed was not large enough for me to get far enough away from him. I wrapped myself up in protective pajamas, and put pillows between us to try to get a wink of sleep and stop his sneaky, non-consensual sexual attacks. Any time away from him while he traveled for work was like a weight coming off my shoulders.

Now unburdened…….I am in a relationship where I love being with him all the time! We spend a ridiculous amount of time together, and we love every minute of it! We have only slept apart two nights, and it was miserable as I cuddled up to his pillow. We sleep in a queen size bed, and it is too large! I don’t have to protect myself with pajamas and pillows, and skin to skin embracing is a nightly thing. Who knew there could be a perfect spoon for me? I feel safe with him holding me, and just the feel of him against me, and the sound of his voice are like a lullaby that helps me peacefully drift off to sleep.

What has been…….This is the one no one likes to talk about, and honestly I feel not many people even believe this happened. Many people don’t even think this is wrong. My last child was conceived while I was unconscious. My ex used to make me “drinks” that somehow had the effect of causing me to black out. This is one of the reasons I stopped drinking. Anyway,  I was not supposed to have any more children because of complications with my previous pregnancies, so if there was any sexual contact, protection was used. And I hated every minute of it. But on this night, no protection was used. I don’t remember anything, just waking up realizing what had happened (ladies, you know your body) and locking myself in the bathroom to cry. I don’t even understand how someone can do that to a person. Most of the fun is when the other person is involved and showing enjoyment, not just laying there like a lump. He wanted another child, and well, he got it. That pregnancy was the last straw for my failing back, and I spent most of it in severe pain. I am so glad I got an amazing child out of that pregnancy, it made all the suffering worth it. All of my children are amazing! But it doesn’t make what happened right. No one should have to go through that.

Now unburdened…….I am with a person with whom I have the most amazing connection, physically, mentally and emotionally. This may get a little personal, but I can’t get enough of him, and we “connect” very regularly. No details on frequency, I don’t want to make anyone jealous..lol. It’s a whole experience I never knew even existed, and literally takes me to another world. I went from thinking something was wrong with me for not desiring my husband to having so much desire for a person that I feel like it’s not even possible! Who knew that it would take until my 40’s and 50’s to discover what my body was capable of! And none of this is ever forced! It is mutual, on a deep, almost spiritual level. We communicate so much without words, because they are not necessary when we are deep in our moments!

What has been…….I was in a marriage where I was at the absolute bottom of his priority list. He put every single person on the planet before me. He would make promises, and went out of his way not to fulfill them, or to fulfill them part way. For example, I had a claw foot tub we bought, which I really needed because hot baths helped with my pain. It got brought into the house but was never installed. He refused to hire someone to do it. It sat there for 5 years and never got installed. I still have the darn thing, I took it with me when I left him. Also, If I ever was in a struggle with something, like hanging decorations for instance, and got stuck and needed help quickly, we would just stand there and stair at me struggling, usually holding a cup of coffee or a beer, with no care in the world. And even with my medical issues, he didn’t help keep the house clean, instead he dictated the chore to everyone else.

Now unburdened…….I am with someone who puts me first on his priority list. He does so much for me! He cooks for me to make sure I am eating enough healthy food for my lifting, he drops everything and comes running if I call him for help with something, he does everything he can to make sure I know exactly how much he cares. He helps keep the house clean instead of demanding others do it. He literally gets down on his hands and knees to clean the floor daily. He is not dictating, he is doing. I never have to worry that he won’t help me with something I need. And if he makes a promise, he tries his best to keep it. As I sit here writing this, he made me a refreshing protein smoothie without me even asking!

What has been…….I was made to give up my career to be a stay at home mom. Granted, I was having issues with the things the lab was having me do in the sake of “science” (really bought science), so it was OK in my head. I don’t regret that because it was great for my kids and their medical issues. But he used this to control me. I had no access to our bank account, and got a mere $20 a week “allowance”. He had to be the one to put the gas in my car, and I frequently ran out and had to have a friend help me. This wasn’t because funds were tight, he made upwards of a quarter million a year. It was because he wanted total control over me. Every purchase had to go through him, and boy did he enjoy the control. He also got us into an enormous amount of debt that I didn’t even know about.

Now unburdened…….I have my own bank accounts and total control of my own money. I am in a relationship where we are partners, we share in the bills, and no one tells me what to do with my own money. No one has to approve a purchase I want to make. I finally have financial freedom! And as for all that debt, well, in NM the debt has to be paid in a divorce, and it doesn’t matter whose debt it is, so the house had to be sold to pay of all the debt. So although I lost hundreds of thousands of dollar to debt I didn’t know about, at least I am officially debt free!

What has been…….I used to be so isolated. I was just there raising my kids, by myself, with no real friends and feeling so alone. I went to a local coffee shop here and there, but that was all I got. I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

Now unburdened…….I have a great life now. I have leisurely coffee most mornings, and most evenings. My partner and I have met so many new people. We have learned to slow life down and enjoy the moments.

What has been…….I was so depressed with my life that I thought I wanted to end it. I could not see how I could continue down the path I was going. I hated my marriage, every day was like an anchor pulling me under water. The only thing keeping me going was my 4 kids. But I had the entire burden of raising them, doing all the hard stuff alone because “he had to rest”. It took a toll on me.

Now unburdened…….Although I am still struggling with the toll the terrible marriage took on me, I have much more hope and desire in my life. I am with the man who saw my suffering and stepped in to help me get through it and to be the friend I needed. I actually look forward to the future. I have a partner who has taken on a roll as a mentor in my kids life. He is there to help with everything, even the hard stuff. Instead of an anchor, I feel like I now have a life vest, and I don’t have to worry so much about drowning.

What has been…….I was in a house with a husband who constantly triggered fights with me. It was an unhappy home with frequent yelling, a mom faking being happy and a dad not really caring about mom. I honestly don’t know how my kids were not affected by this. If anything, I hope it showed them what they don’t want in relationships. It was also constantly a mess, as it was just me chasing after the destruction of 4 kids and a husband who did not clean up after himself, or help with cleaning at all.

Now unburdened…..I am in a home that is full of everyone, adults and kids, working together. Everyone participates in the cleaning, everyone communicates well, and if there is a disagreement, it is resolved and discussed. We frequently talk about all kinds of things surrounding human behavior. We discuss why people do the things they do, how people work out of fear, how insecurities drive decisions in people, and how to be a better person. And from these discussions, I see my children learning and applying what they learn. Better be careful, you might find yourself getting counseled by one of them some day, they are sharp! And we are in a tidy home, one where everyone works together to keep it that way!

What has been…….When I started lifting, it started helping with my chronic pain so much! But my husband didn’t want me going to the gym and just kept asking “when does this end”. He would only show support in front of other people for “show”.

Now unburdened…..I am with someone who has been a key element in my powerlifting success. He is the one who trains me, and he is also the one who drags me to the gym even when I am feeling super down because he knows going to the gym will boost my spirit. He is not intimidated by me having muscle, and actually brags about it.

What has been…….I used to eat for pleasure. I ate what I wanted because I was satisfying cravings. I also ate away my misery. Food was pleasure.

Now unburdened…..Now I eat for my sport. I eat what my body needs and am no longer controlled by cravings. I may not always like what I am eating, but I know my body needs it. Getting those big lifts is far more satisfying than a temporary pleasure of ice cream. Food is fuel.

What has been…….I used to not work out, and used to have a glass or two of wine every night. I did this to deal with my life, and to numb my unhappiness. Plus I had social pressure from my husband to drink because I was “easier” with alcohol in my system….if you know what I mean. No I did not drink while pregnant or nursing, but I did after weaning my last. I had gained about 50 pounds over 4 pregnancies that stuck around. I ate whatever and was not healthy. I also has a lot of pain from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and it was taking a toll.

Now Unburdened…….I decided I needed to lose weigh to help my pain. I drastically cleaned up my diet and lost weight, I got down to 140 pounds from 190. This did not help my pain, and neither did running, so I started lifting weights. My pain started getting better and I was hooked. I just liked how it made me feel. I also gave up alcohol and moved forward with changing my life so that I could make my life worth staying sober for.

What has been…….I lived in a house decorated in the style my ex wanted. We built a house in the style he wanted. I love Victorian style homes, but he thought that was stupid and wanted a pueblo style home with all southwest decor. If you know me, you know that southwest decor is not my style at all, but he always got what he wanted, and I tried to like it…but just never did.

Now unburdened…….Y’all know what I like if you follow me! I am a vintage girl! I love the old stuff! I gave up everything I owned and started fresh! My partner also loves the vintage stuff, so we have had a blast completely starting from scratch and developing our own style! From my 70’s furniture, to my 50’s table, to my swag glass…I am in heaven! I can finally express who I am!

What has been…….I was made to feel bad about my body. I was literally there for his pleasure, and my breasts were not big enough for him. There was even talk about surgery. Although they grew while I was having babies, I knew that wouldn’t last. And I was not allowed to dress up unless it was for him. I could not just dress nice because I wanted to, it had to be because I would be with him. And he wouldn’t let me cut my hair (until the one time I went without him and chopped it all off).

Now unburdened….Well, I have drastically improved my body and put on muscle. With this new change has come even smaller breasts, in exchange for a bigger, more muscular chest. I am learning to embrace my body. I will say there are advantages to my current situation….I haven’t worn a bra all summer, and these new smaller breasts are not sagging, even at my age of 50. I now wear whatever I want whenever I want, and my partner never dictates that! And my hair is how I want it to be!

What has been…….I was in such a bad place with someone who took my self esteem, my drive, my hope, and almost took my desire to live. I stayed in that marriage for 29 years because I was taught that marriage was hard and it took hard work and sacrifice to make a marriage work. I hated it. Even him coming near me would make me cringe.

Now unburdened…….I am in a relationship that is not hard. It is rather easy to love him. I miss him even if he is gone for an hour. His touch is amazing, and it makes me feel safe and appreciated and loved. In his arms is my happy place. His kiss touches my soul, still to this day. I am so comfortable with him. It is so nice not living on edge like I used to. It is nice to let go and live. Love should not be hard, and if it is, it is not love.

What has been…….I was with a person whose smell really bothered me. I would make him shower if there were to be any contact at all. And I really don’t think he cared for my natural smell either.

Now unburdened…….I know it might sound weird, but my partner and I love each other’s natural smell. We bury our faces into each other. We sneak in for a sniff of each others shoulder as we are just hanging out at coffee, or while one of us is washing dishes. Never ever has he smelled bad to me, and never ever have I smelled bad to him. I wrote a whole blog post about this and why it is important for good chemistry in a relationship. You should read it.

What has been…….When I made the decision to leave my ex, I was going through a lot. I did not realize in the midst of these hard times, my ex made the decision to manufacture and spread lies about me. He told my family members that I had abandoned my kids. He even stated on his court paperwork that he had 100% possession of the kids, even though I actually had them 90% of the time. Now, I don’t know if this is why he lost his clearance and his job, but I am sure lying on court paperwork to be vindictive does not help show you are a trustworthy person.

Now unburdened…….Well, I didn’t really know why my family had decided to stop talking to me. And honestly, I was going through too much to investigate. It wasn’t until years later that my sister read a blog post of mine where I give the real story that I found out. She apologized and told me about the stories my ex so convincingly told her. We are working on rebuilding our relationship, and it’s been great. As for my other sister and her family, they still believe the lies. Not one of them thought “hmmmm, maybe I should go ask Teresa, or even the kids themselves, if these stories are true”. So…the unburdened part. Blood is not always family. And if someone isn’t smart enough to get the other person’s side of the story, then that is a person I do not need in my life. I have met so many wonderful people that I consider family, and my partner’s family is amazing! And wow, are my kids amazing! I have no idea how I got so lucky with 4 kids who don’t give me a stitch of trouble! They are the most thoughtful, loving, successful people and I would not change a thing in any of them. It is too bad a large part of my family is missing out of being part of their lives. I love every minute I have with them, and yes they enjoy spending time with us just hanging out, having coffee, having deep discussions, and playing some very though provoking card games. What parents get that?

What has been…….Speaking of family, I had a mother in law that fit the exact description of that “terrible mother in law” we all fear having. For the ENTIRE marriage, she constantly berated me, put me down, talked bad about me…even to my own mother (which caused many arguments over Thanksgiving, and forced me to the wine). I literally got sick to my stomach when I knew she was coming over. And my ex never defended me, he always let her put me down.

Now unburdened…….My partner’s mother is such a darling! When I first met her, I was certain she wasn’t real. How on earth could a woman be so pleasant? I love her so much, she is such a joy! And she would never think of berating me or putting me down. And as for my partner, he would never ever let anyone put me down.

So there is the deep stuff. I am sure I will add to this in the future. I know it is a lot of TMI, but to me, if someone can relate, and decide to do better because they read my story, then it is all worth it. Like I said in the past, I am all about transparency. And I don’t make up lies to make myself look better, I put out the truth about my strengths and weaknesses. I put myself into a bad marriage, and I kept myself there. I didn’t have the strength or courage to leave….until I did.